the following lyrics are from one of my favourite songs: The Absence of God by Rilo Kiley.

The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby
And planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich
And I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it
Folk singers sing songs for the working, baby

We're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers
There's no relief for the bleeding heart
'Cause they'll be losing bodies tonight

And Rob says you love, love, love and then you die
I've watched him while sleeping and seen him crying with closed eyes
And you're not happy but you're funny and I'm tripping over my joy
But I just keep on getting up again

We could be daytime drunks if we wanted
We'd never get anything done that way baby
And we'd still be ruled by our dueling perspectives
And I'm not my perspective
Or the lies I'll tell you every time

And Morgan says, maybe love won't let you down
All of your failures are training grounds
And just as your back's turned you'll be surprised she says
As your solitude subsides

And Mike I'll teach you how to swim
If you turn the bad in me into good again

And I say there's trouble
When everything is fine
The need to destroy things
Creeps up on me every time
Just as love's silhouette appears
I close my eyes and disappear tonight

And something's got to change
'Cause our love's the slowest moving train

i think that pretty much sums up how i've been feeling recently. i mean, it's just this one guy. and sometimes i think it will work out, and others i'm convinced it never will. he meant a lot to me and we had been good friends for years before things started happening.

he changed after he started university. he went from this genuinely good guy into this colossal jerk that spends his time drinking and on drugs. he was never like that before, and everyone has noticed.

unfortunately, my feelings are still there. i've liked him since grade nine, when we initially met. it turns out that he felt the same way as well. it just makes things so hard when you realize that it could have worked this whole time. and ironically, now that we both know that we liked each other, it hasn't worked yet. school got too hard, we had both changed too much. it was all excuses.

now i don't know what to do. i do still like him, but i like the old him. i don't know of this is just a stage that he's going through or a permanent change.

for his sake (and the sake of everyone we know), i hope he's almost out of this jerk stage.

i miss him.